I am a survivor of workplace sexual harassment

I hesitate to talk about it because other people have seen worse

I don't like to think about sexual harassment

But if I don't talk about it, then it turns into a curse.

I hate talk about it because it causes so much pain 

It makes me angry and it makes me sad.

I hope no one ever does that again 

I feel like crying when I should tell you I'm mad.

I'm mad because the system allows teachers to have their way, have a say and get away with abuse.

Gives them authority over other educators that they can use.

At their discretion, they tell you what to do.

Because the system makes us vulnerable to being in conflict ...

Because assistants don't have clear job descriptions in education

They're responsible for everything and get credit for nothing in this situation 

I want to tell you that the working situation is bad.

Because it breeds conflict and I know because I have

To deal with the fights and toxic language

People throw at me at work

I wish they weren't such jerks

This harassment happened from 2014 to 2017.  

This happened because I was nice and someone else was mean.

She would touch me from behind or the side, or on my head.

I never encouraged her, there was nothing that I said.

I told her I was married and that I loved my wife 

There was nothing that could be interpreted as me wanting to be in intimacy with the teacher working with me.

She used her role as "supervisor" to gain access to me.

She used workplace discussions as an excuse to get close to me.

She would stand close and nuzzle up against me like she was my date.  

I edged away from her a few inches because she was not my mate.

And  then she got shoulder to shoulder with me again two more times. 

All while pretending to be interested in my ongoing observation of a student at recess.

When it first filed my complaint and told all my coworkers

They understood because they had met her

Even the principals knew how mean she was.

 I no longer was assigned to her classroom. And she still found ways to get in my space.

So I got a no contact order at work when I filed the complaint.

When a Teacher Sexually Harasses a Paraeducator,

Then the Teacher Gets Away With It.

Teachers can yell and scream and lose control

And teaching assistants pay the toll.

Greg Spence Wolf (*6)

There are many types of physical and emotional abuse that I have witnessed and or experienced.

I have experienced them from family members, housemates, coworkers and random strangers.

When I was a teen I used to ride my bicycle through the parking lot of the corner bar. A bar is generally a place for a 13-17 year old kid to avoid. But it's parking lot was usually the safest and most convenient route to ride my bike. I avoided a busy street that way, it led to the convenience store and people smoked inside in those days, so no one was in the parking lot for me to hit with my bike.

One night this "safer" route was scary. A woman in her twenties was running out of the bar crying as a similar aged man yelled and grabbed her.

He said some thing like, "You can't" run away from me because, "you're my girlfriend."

I decided to keep riding my bike. I was no match for an angry drunk. No one, especially my mother, would have blamed me for riding away and saying nothing.

And I did. But in my head I rationalized doing so not using a healthy fear of being injured by this asshole. But for a moment I actually thought, "I guess that's okay if she's his girlfriend."

Before I could ask my self if that was true, a woman charged out after him yelling, "Oh no you don't. Get your hands off of her."

She was followed by at least two supporters.

This 5 foot 7 teenager didn't wait to see how this fight played out.

But the courage of her response inspired me to see abuse differently. To see all abuse as unacceptable. And to have the courage later in life to challenge some abuse that I felt safe handling.
Threats of physical violence while pursuing someone and screaming at them is obviously abuse to most people. Psychological and emotional abuse are much harder to recognize and based on my own observations, more likely to be tolerated by people who would never tolerate the more aggressive types of abuse.

Examples of abuse:

"Mental mistreatment or emotional abuse is deliberately causing mental or emotional pain. Examples include intimidation, coercion, ridiculing, harassment, treating an adult like a child, isolating an adult from family, friends, or regular activity, use of silence to control behavior, and yelling or swearing which results in mental distress."
https://www.dshs.wa.gov/altsa/home-and-community-services/types-and-signs-abuse 

Accusing, blaming, and denial  

This behavior comes from an abuser’s insecurities. They want to create a hierarchy in which they’re at the top and you’re at the bottom.  

Here are some examples:

Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them.  

Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain.  

Gaslighting- Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. 

It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity.  

This video by the Chicks is about one band members experience with gaslighting from their husband.

Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way. 

EX: "You blame a lot on ____'

Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it.

Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it.  

Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim.  (Example - Someone screams at you five times, but when you yell back to ask them to stop they accuse of screaming at them.)

Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills.  

When someone hit me and I brought it up later I was told to man up and take it like a man by two people. The hitter and a buddy.

Here's a song about trivializing people's feelings. It's called "My Friend." It was written by Jimi Hendrix and performed wonderfully by Kimber Annie

Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up.  

Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong.  

Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it. 

Scapegoating - Building up a negative image about another.

Personal example.

I heard a former partner say "I hope someday they figure out what kind of person such and such or so and so is." in their attempts to turn me against other relatives.

Personal Experiences with abuse:

     People have used intimidtion on me by calling the police on me when I didn't obey them in my own home.

     People have used intimidation on me by calling a friend to gang up on me during an argument

      A neighborhood gang smashed my bike when I was a teen in Colonie New York. They let me know I wasn't welcome in that neighborhood. I didn't go back.
I believe that teaching kids to hate another co-parent is a form of abuse. 

Resources:

https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#accusing-blaming-and-denial 

Updated 1/16/22

Reviewed 15X